Feels: My dating life, more like my lack of a dating life
It's pretty hard for me to express any kind of emotions. I always end up feeling like a wimp, but here it goes.
My first crush was a boy in 1st-grade whos hand I really wanted to hold. To me, he was the cutest thing in the world with dimples and a big butt for a little kid. That sounds really pedoish, but I was in 1st-grade! As I grew older and traveled all the way to the top floor of my school, there was another boy named Freddy who also had dimples and a nice butt. Clearly, I have a type and I didn't even realize it.
The day we graduated, we cried together and held hands while singing some cheesy Celine Dion song. I wonder whatever happened to him. Is he still thicc? Is he still cute? Would he still hold my hand and sing Celine Dion with me?
I almost forgot my babysitter's son! He was my first kiss and the first boy to grab my boob. It was such a weird time for me for so many reasons, but boob holding was the least of my worries.
In middle school, my only love was Pete Wentz and his eye-liner. I had his pictures all over my binders and this started my love for boys who would never love me back. This also started my road to bullying. I had a girl that would be so mean to me for no reason, her name was Cynthia. In retaliation, I would curse at her anytime she would try it. We were in 6th grade, so we weren't ready for the adult world of cursing. I remember I would call her a bitch that way I felt like I had the upper hand in her bullshit. I transferred schools in the middle of the school year, so I never found out what happened to her. When I transferred to another school, I met a girl and I kissed her. I don't even know why I did that. She was the first and last girl I ever kissed. (I even called her my girlfriend for a while) My babysitter's son was my first and only kiss from a boy.
In Highschool, there were a lot of crushes on guy friends that I should've known weren't worth it. One guy in particular still plagues my mind to this day. I have dreams of him and always ask myself "I wonder how 'blank' is doing" What caused this trainwreck of emotions were my constant dreams of this guy. The one dream I have is always a version of a prom that I would've loved instead of the one I actually had.
In this podcast episode, you can hear my prom experience.
https://soundcloud.com/user-620459455/concert-nights-and-prom-nights
In my dreams, I always ask this guy to either dance with me or have sex with me, which is so out of character! In other dreams, I always "happen" to bump into him and we're older and cool looking without the awkward teenage feels. He always looks just as hot and to be honest, he also had a dimple. I don't know what started this crush, but I hope one day it goes away.
To make myself feel better, I say that he's a witch and walks into my dreams. I don't want to take responsibility for putting a boy I hardly talked to in my dreams.
As an adult, I've never been on a date. I don't know what it's like to do all those date stuff with people you actually like and who like you back. I've always romanticized the idea of having a partner during the holidays. My goal this year was to at least try but it never happened. Being ACE and dating scares me so I just don't do it. I want to find my Dean Winchester who will take me on road trips, hold my hand, and tell me that I'm pretty cool even when I know I'm not.
Maybe one day I'll reconnect with my high school obsession and just ask him if he ever was interested or was it all one sided.
If you know who you are, call me maybe?
My first crush was a boy in 1st-grade whos hand I really wanted to hold. To me, he was the cutest thing in the world with dimples and a big butt for a little kid. That sounds really pedoish, but I was in 1st-grade! As I grew older and traveled all the way to the top floor of my school, there was another boy named Freddy who also had dimples and a nice butt. Clearly, I have a type and I didn't even realize it.
The day we graduated, we cried together and held hands while singing some cheesy Celine Dion song. I wonder whatever happened to him. Is he still thicc? Is he still cute? Would he still hold my hand and sing Celine Dion with me?
I almost forgot my babysitter's son! He was my first kiss and the first boy to grab my boob. It was such a weird time for me for so many reasons, but boob holding was the least of my worries.
In middle school, my only love was Pete Wentz and his eye-liner. I had his pictures all over my binders and this started my love for boys who would never love me back. This also started my road to bullying. I had a girl that would be so mean to me for no reason, her name was Cynthia. In retaliation, I would curse at her anytime she would try it. We were in 6th grade, so we weren't ready for the adult world of cursing. I remember I would call her a bitch that way I felt like I had the upper hand in her bullshit. I transferred schools in the middle of the school year, so I never found out what happened to her. When I transferred to another school, I met a girl and I kissed her. I don't even know why I did that. She was the first and last girl I ever kissed. (I even called her my girlfriend for a while) My babysitter's son was my first and only kiss from a boy.
In Highschool, there were a lot of crushes on guy friends that I should've known weren't worth it. One guy in particular still plagues my mind to this day. I have dreams of him and always ask myself "I wonder how 'blank' is doing" What caused this trainwreck of emotions were my constant dreams of this guy. The one dream I have is always a version of a prom that I would've loved instead of the one I actually had.
In this podcast episode, you can hear my prom experience.
https://soundcloud.com/user-620459455/concert-nights-and-prom-nights
In my dreams, I always ask this guy to either dance with me or have sex with me, which is so out of character! In other dreams, I always "happen" to bump into him and we're older and cool looking without the awkward teenage feels. He always looks just as hot and to be honest, he also had a dimple. I don't know what started this crush, but I hope one day it goes away.
To make myself feel better, I say that he's a witch and walks into my dreams. I don't want to take responsibility for putting a boy I hardly talked to in my dreams.
As an adult, I've never been on a date. I don't know what it's like to do all those date stuff with people you actually like and who like you back. I've always romanticized the idea of having a partner during the holidays. My goal this year was to at least try but it never happened. Being ACE and dating scares me so I just don't do it. I want to find my Dean Winchester who will take me on road trips, hold my hand, and tell me that I'm pretty cool even when I know I'm not.
Maybe one day I'll reconnect with my high school obsession and just ask him if he ever was interested or was it all one sided.
If you know who you are, call me maybe?
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